What does Christmas mean?

One person's act of negligence has had a huge, never ending effect on our family. Each day, the loss of my brother-in-law is felt. I am still in the anger phase of grief. I don't know how any of us are standing and functioning these days. After losing 3 people I loved, my Mom, nephew Jason and brother-in-law Joe in the last 6 years, I am still very angry. I honestly don't and won't ever understand why they are gone and the dregs of humanity still exist. If God takes the good ones, then he needs to change his thinking and take the garbage out instead. They are the ones that need "saved",  not the loved ones that we hold so dear.

The holidays are coming. We will not be truly celebrating them. I miss that. I miss the family dinners and time spent together. We are all too caught up in our own grief to do so. It is painful and difficult to be together as a family when there are only the 5 of us now. The 3 that are missing were glue. Now we drift about, like corks on the water, broken into pieces by their loss and absence.

Every day is a struggle. We will never get over their loss, but we only learn to live with it. We haven't learned to do that yet. Their loss echoes on in our daily lives, just about every moment of every day. Six years for my Mom, 4 years for Jason and only 5 months for Joe... it seems as though it was yesterday for them all. Recently it was made clear to me just why Joe's loss has hit me so hard. I didn't just lose a brother-in-law. I lost a brother, a friend, a teacher, a nemesis and a brother-in-law. I've known Joe the better part of my life. His sudden and violent loss has shaken me. Sometimes knowing too much is not a good thing. I'm learning to change the movie of Joe in my head from what I know, both real and imagined, about his accident to a happier version, like when he caught my carpet on fire in my kitchen when he was using a blow torch. Or when I called him about a dozen times when I was at Lowe's looking for the parts to rebuild my kitchen sink and he and my sister laughed at the fact that I carried the entire drain into the store to figure out what parts I needed, with no help from anyone at Lowe's I'll have you know...

The cliche' that life goes on really does bite. No kidding, life goes on. Living life without these very special people plain and simple SUCKS. Watching my sister and nephew struggle with Jason and Joe's losses sucks even more. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all go away. I wish there were easy answers, but there aren't. So we take the proverbial one day at a time and try our best to move forward. There won't be Christmas here this year... at least not in the traditional sense or how others think it should be celebrated. What there will be is honoring and remembering the loss of these loved ones and others we have lost in our lives as well. I'm okay with that. It doesn't matter if others are. Their opinions don't really matter. So don't ask what we got each other for Christmas. You will be disappointed with the answer... nothing. Our true gifts to each other are peace and healing and that is this year's true meaning of Christmas for us.

Jason

Joe and Joey

Me, Mom and Sue

Feathers

     Somehow, feathers keep randomly finding their way into my house.  Little fluffy feathers and long tapered ones. We don't have feathered pillows or down because I am allergic to them.  I'm really not really sure how or why they are getting in the house. Maybe they denote something like someone I loved that has past has visited and left me an angel wing feather. Maybe it means nothing, like the dogs are bringing them in on their coats. Whatever is it is, they are comforting in some way. For whatever reason the feathers are floating in, they make me smile to think that one of my angels has been there...

Friends...

As I have gotten older, I am more interested in the quality of friendship rather than the quantity. I have few close friends. I've learned that many people that you think are your friends, are not really friends at all. They could truly care less about you and your problems, but ACT like they do. I am a good person. I care about people that are in my life, much more so than many deserve. 

True friends are there for you no matter what. True friends make an effort to be in your life. True friends love you for who you really are, quirks and all. True friends know when to give you space and when to stay close. True friends don't need a reason to call, sometimes they just call to talk about nothing special. True friends have your best interest at heart and will tell you like it is, not what you want to hear. Most of all true friends are just that... True.

I am a true friend. If you earn my friendship, you will be in my heart forever. I will do everything in my power to be there for you no matter what. My true friends are my reason to smile...

A leaf in the water...

There have been very few reasons to smile here lately. Very few. Yes the sun rises and sets, as the days tick by one second at a time. This year has been very difficult. Very difficult. Quite honestly, I am ready for 2015. I know it won't make things better, but I don't have much fight left in me any longer. Being strong isn't my forte and I'm really tired.

Last Thursday, my brother-in-law Joe was killed in a motorcycle accident. It wasn't his fault. He had a helmet on, the headlight was on his beloved Harley Davidson and someone made a fatal mistake when they pulled their SUV in front of him off a side road. Joe did everything in his power to avoid the collision, but he hit the front of the SUV. He suffered a massive head injury when his helmet came off. It was one he would not, could not survive. We waited for word at home from my sister and nephew as Joe was flown to a Pittsburgh trauma center. I will never forget the 3 words that she sent me... "He's brain dead." The pain that went through my heart was immediate and severe. This couldn't be happening. They were leaving tomorrow to go to a wedding in Chicago. Their wedding anniversary is Tuesday. There are so many things left undone. So many plans and dreams to fulfill. It wasn't supposed to be like this.

My sister has endured more than her share of sorrow and pain. My nephew Jason passed away almost 4 years ago. It devastated the family. She truly has never recovered from that loss. Now, her husband and soul mate is gone. Life is cruel. This has been a shock to everyone. Joe was a great guy... We didn't deserve another hit like this. It isn't fair. It isn't right.

I am angry. Someone with a complete disregard for anyone else killed my full of life brother-in-law. I want that person to remember until his last breath what he has done. I want him to know the pain we are all in. I want him to be in that kind of pain too. I want him to never have a good night's sleep ever again. I want him to see and feel what his moment of carelessness cost all of us. I don't want him to ever have another moment of joy in his life again. I also know my anger is wasted. I know that Joe wouldn't want revenge, hate or anger. He was a "take life as it came" kind of guy.

My sister and Joe had love... lots of love. Although they didn't agree all the time, they always made it work. Just like other married couples, they had disagreements, but always figured it out. I know what love is. It is many things. It is Sue and Joe. They had been together since before high school. They were soul mates... completely and utterly meant for each other. I was honored and privileged to witness their love and devotion to each other over the years.

Joe touched many lives, like a leaf in the water, the ripple effect is wide. As a firefighter/EMT for 35 years, as a friend, nephew, cousin, brother-in-law, son-in-law, brother, son, father and husband, his loss is far reaching. I can only hope that there are more men like Joe... and I can only hope to be more like him. That is the reason to smile.

RIP Joseph Michael Muller... We will love and miss you forever.

Sandwich smile...

A random smile courtesy of my hubby!

What makes you smile??

Today it is the rain falling on the roof, lulling me to sleep finally after a restless, illness filled night. I love the sound of rain... as long as it isn't in my basement. Find your reason to smile today. It's easy if you try!

Auto-smile... :)

So my friend Megan knows things around here have been very difficult as of late with few reasons to smile... She sent this to me the other day... It was definitely a random smile. Who knew Toyota RAVs were such happy cars?? Thanks Megan!!!

Cat In The Hat

I love Dr. Seuss's Cat In The Hat.
He really makes me smile.
All the rhyming he does,
just goes on for miles.

Yeah, I'm not Dr. Seuss, but I bet you smiled anyway.

Sweet!

My name is Jan and I am a frozen yogurt-aholic... My favorite place on earth is a little yogurt place where you can make your own sundaes. It also has not one, but TWO topping bars! WOOT! It is the BEST place EVER! Although, I am not a fan of gummi bears or other "different" toppings, I am a traditionalist. I have developed a fondness for white chocolate chips. Um... I've made myself hungry! Off to the yogurt shop!!

Reasons...

My hubby, my dogs, all puppies, sunshine, freshly mowed grass, giggling, true

friends, a warm blanket, newborn lambs, bagpipe music and cute guys in kilts,

found money, rainbows, angels, feathers, paying it forward, weddings,

snowflakes, daffodils and crocuses, the first signs of Spring, hugs and kisses,

peepers, cardinals, a favorite movie, hot chocolate with whipped cream AND

marshmallows... These are some of my reasons to smile.

Reaching...

Yesterday was a BAD day... It started out with being late for work for a very good reason, a vehicle accident that I came upon on my way there. It only got worse from there. It was a day for heavy lifting and very physical work. My 50 year old body rebelled against doing this. There are days when I just feel as though I am too old for this job, physically. And then, the day got worse...

Our house is old... 71 years old, as a matter of fact. It has issues and with all the snow and sudden warm up and meltdown, water poured into the foundation. Hubby was home alone and was completely stressed out. Two rooms in the basement had 2-4 inches of water and the furnace was in danger of being ruined. He thought it would be a good idea to go out and shovel this wet, heavy snow away from the foundation. I told him that this is NOT a good idea. This is what they call "heart attack" snow. Lo and behold, after shoveling, he developed shortness of breath and chest pain. I was still at work when I found out that he was feeling this way. I hung up with him and immediately called dispatch to have an ambulance sent to our house.

I left work early and met him at the ER. He was in good spirits and I was happy to see him feeling better after some pre-hospital treatment. Because of the basement situation, I had to leave him there in the capable hands of the hospital staff and go home. They were still waiting for his lab results and a bed as he was staying the night for observation and a stress test tomorrow. ...

I was instantly overwhelmed and burst into tears as I walked down the stairs to the basement. I cried for 10 minutes, which we all know accomplishes nothing... I asked my Mom for strength. I know that there are people dealing with much more tragic things than a wet basement. But after everything that happened through this entire day, it was a tragedy to me. I've been trying to lose the stress in my life, not add to it. I pulled myself together and managed to fill and empty 18 large buckets of water before reinforcements arrived. My sister and nephew came to help me with the mess. They even brought me dinner.

I was cold, wet and feeling SO bad. However, we finally got a hold on the water and after several hours of work, the bulk of the mess was cleaned up. My body hurt and I was so cold and tired. I got the dogs fed, shop-vacced the basement again and eventually went to bed. It was not a very restful night as I anticipated the phone ringing or the basement filling up. I decided to stop fighting it and just get up.

The morning broke with some sunshine. The basement, while still wet, was at a manageable level for myself now. The hubby finally called to give me an update and with his lab work good and no signs of a hear attack in his cardiac enzyme levels, this was all great news. I've had to realign some priorities. Certain things need to wait until I can function on all cylinders again.

Home ownership can be a blessing and also a curse. Owning an old home is labor intensive. Especially these old duplexes that were thrown up with speed and little care for quality. I am thankful that I can own a home. It is just that this one is quite the money pit. New windows, new roof, new siding... and this year, a new foundation or SOME kind of remedy for the water flow.

Back to the hubby... I am waiting for him to call and say he is sprung from the hospital. I am waiting for his stress test results. If all is well, he can come home later today. That is a reason to smile... The rest? Well, it will all just have to wait.

It's the little things...

Yesterday when I was at the vet's office... yup, dogs again, there was a woman there picking up medicine for her cat. She had a balance, not a large one, but wasn't able to pay it along with the new cost for the medication. She was upset, but my vet's office agreed to work out payments with her, which isn't their policy. I felt bad for her and turned my attention to Piper and looking out the window. I know she was embarrassed and she kept looking over at me. At one point I smiled at her. Hey, who am I to judge? I've been there... robbing Peter to pay Paul. Most of us HAVE.

It was Valentine's Day, not a favorite holiday as a dear friend of mine was discovered murdered 12 years ago on this holiday. Her 15 year old adopted son waited until her husband went out of town. He snuck up behind her as she was feeding her beloved animals in the barn, and shot her execution-style in the back of the head, then did the unthinkable to her dead body. I don't think any of her friends have ever really recovered from the brutality and horror of that tragic day. Many years before this, when I was still in college, a childhood friend committed suicide on Valentine's Day also. So, you see just why it isn't much of a holiday for me.

I do try to do good things in my life. I try to be a good person. My parents raised me to be generous and help those that are in need. So this woman's plight sparked something in me. It wasn't a large amount of money, but it was more than this woman obviously could afford. Drawing payments out would cost even more for her. As I was checking out and after she had left, I paid her balance. I told the staff that it was to be anonymous. It was nice to pay it forward.

Once upon a time, I had some wonderful friends pay it forward to me. When our beloved Gage fractured his elbow and needed to have expensive surgery, these friends called in their credit cards to help pay the bill. Gage's Angels came to be and to this day, I do not know all of their identities. This gesture was much less grandiose, but I hope, not less appreciated.

This society has become so selfish and all about me, Me, ME! It does a heart and soul good to do something selfless. A few days ago, our ambulance was sitting in a shopping complex as we were on a transfer to an eye doctor there. We came out to find a box of giant chocolate dipped strawberries on the driver's seat with a note... "We are thankful for people like you!!" The staff @ Edible Arrangements. Being in EMS, that RARELY ever happens to us. We are the forgotten emergency service, that is, until we are needed. This was such a wonderful gesture and so unexpected. It makes me smile to know that we really ARE appreciated.

It really is the little things in life that make me smile. They say to not sweat the small things, but I believe that you don't want to ever overlook the small things either. I hope this gave you a reason to smile... :)

Bucket lists...

Welcome to my new blog that DOESN'T revolve around my dogs! I love to write and so what better way to do just that than a blog! I hope this blog gives you a reason to smile...

I turned 50 in October 2013. Traumatic? Nah... I think 40 was more traumatic. If I remember correctly, so was 30 and 35. Sheesh... At 50, I know who I am and what I want out of life. Will I get it? Well, not always and definitely not without hard work and dedication. I find myself thinking more about my "bucket list" at this age more than at other ages. "Things I want to do, but doubt I will ever achieve" is more like it. Most of what is on my bucket list are expensive things that I will never be able to afford. Trips to Hawaii, Scotland, Wales, England, Germany, Japan, Australia and other exotic places top my list. If I didn't have "d o g s", those might be easier and maybe more affordable. Maybe not.

Bucket lists are interesting things. Some people long to bungee jump or sky dive. I would much rather stay on the ground. I'm not a big fan of flying in any form. Airplanes push my tolerance level. Oddly enough, I'm not afraid of heights. I think I'm just afraid of falling and the sudden stop at the bottom. I know... flying in an airplane is supposedly safer than being in a car. Maybe... or maybe not. I've been on an airplane twice in my life. Two trips to Florida, back and forth... I guess that counts as 4 times. I hated every minute of it. Flying to Australia or Europe over WATER for HOURS would probably make me become unglued. I think sedatives would be in order or alcohol, lots of it and I don't drink. Those bucket list trips will go unrealized, I fear. I once did enjoy a helicopter ride though. Maybe because it wasn't as high?? Who knows... Like I said, I'm a freak.

Other bucket list items are probably easier to do. Although I don't think meeting Harrison Ford, George Clooney or Liam Neeson will ever happen either. So what is the point of a bucket list if you can't really achieve the things on it? I think it keeps me moving forward in the HOPE that I might some day accomplish ONE thing on my bucket list. If nothing else, it makes me smile.

So make a bucket list, share it or keep it hidden away so that only you know what it is. I don't think that not achieving your bucket lists makes you a failure. I think having one, and whether or not you accomplish one of all of the items on your list, makes you think outside the box that can be your life. There's nothing wrong with doing that. We can all use a little more hope...

I hope this post gave you a random smile...