My Dad...

I've never been very close to my Dad. I always felt like I was on the outside with him. His mother, my grandmother, never felt the need for my parents to try to have me. She once told me that she never understood why they even had me as my sister was the perfect child and there was no need for another. So I guess I've always felt that just maybe my father harbored those same feelings. Have I ever asked him? No... and I'm sure I should have. I no longer feel that way because I know he doesn't.

My Dad doesn't hug, kiss or even say I love you unless you do or say it first. I've learned to be okay with that because that is just who he is. In the years since my Mom died, Dad has had to learn to be more independent, cooking, cleaning and doing laundry for himself. But also in those years, my Dad has gotten 7 years older, much more frail and at 81, was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease. Our lives take a turn once again.

It is difficult to see my once vital, healthy father struggle with his symptoms of Parkinson's. The tremors, stiffness, unsteady gait and other neuro symptoms are difficult to watch. Medication has helped some. My goal long term is to keep him at home, but I know that might not be possible. He is still driving, something I am not happy about, but he doesn't drive at night and only goes short distances. I do not want to take his independence away from him. My goal is to help, not hinder.

My Dad is a proud man. He doesn't like to ask for help. He is stubborn and obstinate. I feel more like his parent than his daughter some days. I make extra food all the time and we take it to him in the hopes that he eats better. I can't be there every moment of the day. He likes what I cook thankfully and we always get empty bowls back. Recently, when we went away, I bought him a bunch of Stouffer frozen dinners because I was worried he wouldn't eat while we were gone. My need to be a caretaker goes a little off the deep end at times.

Our journey into Parkinson's has just begun. I read everything I can get my hands on. At 81, he isn't a candidate for many things. I'm working on getting him to be more active so his muscles continue to work. He needs to work on flexibility so he can maintain his balance. It is really an uphill battle... If there is anything I have learned in the years since Mom left us, it is that my Dad truly does love me and now I am much more a part of his life than I ever felt I have been. I love him and I really do need to tell him that much more often.

That's my Random Rambling for now... www.pdf.org