My Dad...

I've never been very close to my Dad. I always felt like I was on the outside with him. His mother, my grandmother, never felt the need for my parents to try to have me. She once told me that she never understood why they even had me as my sister was the perfect child and there was no need for another. So I guess I've always felt that just maybe my father harbored those same feelings. Have I ever asked him? No... and I'm sure I should have. I no longer feel that way because I know he doesn't.

My Dad doesn't hug, kiss or even say I love you unless you do or say it first. I've learned to be okay with that because that is just who he is. In the years since my Mom died, Dad has had to learn to be more independent, cooking, cleaning and doing laundry for himself. But also in those years, my Dad has gotten 7 years older, much more frail and at 81, was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease. Our lives take a turn once again.

It is difficult to see my once vital, healthy father struggle with his symptoms of Parkinson's. The tremors, stiffness, unsteady gait and other neuro symptoms are difficult to watch. Medication has helped some. My goal long term is to keep him at home, but I know that might not be possible. He is still driving, something I am not happy about, but he doesn't drive at night and only goes short distances. I do not want to take his independence away from him. My goal is to help, not hinder.

My Dad is a proud man. He doesn't like to ask for help. He is stubborn and obstinate. I feel more like his parent than his daughter some days. I make extra food all the time and we take it to him in the hopes that he eats better. I can't be there every moment of the day. He likes what I cook thankfully and we always get empty bowls back. Recently, when we went away, I bought him a bunch of Stouffer frozen dinners because I was worried he wouldn't eat while we were gone. My need to be a caretaker goes a little off the deep end at times.

Our journey into Parkinson's has just begun. I read everything I can get my hands on. At 81, he isn't a candidate for many things. I'm working on getting him to be more active so his muscles continue to work. He needs to work on flexibility so he can maintain his balance. It is really an uphill battle... If there is anything I have learned in the years since Mom left us, it is that my Dad truly does love me and now I am much more a part of his life than I ever felt I have been. I love him and I really do need to tell him that much more often.

That's my Random Rambling for now... www.pdf.org

Life goes on... or does it really?

Joe and my sister, Sue

One year ago, my awesome brother-in-law was killed in a motorcycle accident. Another driver had a moment of lost concentration, distraction, carelessness, stupidity,... call it whatever you wish, but our family has been changed forever. I guess I should say... families. The driver and his family will live with the fact that he killed an innocent person until the day HE dies.

Joe was a stand-up guy. He was always willing to help ANYONE. He was always there when you needed him. He taught me a great deal about things I had no idea about, like how to put in a new faucet or rip out a ceiling. He was there if I needed help, but he taught me how to be self-sufficient and do it myself. That, I will always remember. I'm not afraid to tackle home improvement projects because of Joe.

He was my brother-in-law, my nemesis, my friend, but most of all he was my sister's knight in shining armor. They were meant to be. Even when they seemingly lost each other when they were younger, they always found their way back. They were soul mates. They loved each other to the moon and back which is the way every relationship should be. But theirs was a love for all time...cliche' as that sounds. True is true.

Yes, life has gone on. Whether we wanted it to, or were prepared for it to, it still went on. Grief doesn't end miraculously after the funeral or in 3 months or 6 months or a year. Grieving families still need support from family and friends which really seems to dwindle shortly after the funeral. It shouldn't. Grief distances people. They don't know what to say or do. Sometimes just calling to say hello, dropping off cookies or sending a card just to let the family know they are still in other's thoughts is enough. For the grieving, knowing that someone still cares is so important.

In this year, I've learned a great deal about myself. Grief counseling has taught me that I can't fix everything. I can't bring Joe back, I can't help my sister and nephew cope, I couldn't stay angry forever. I'm not angry any longer. I am sad... sad for my sister and my nephew that Joe is no longer here for them. I am sad for his parents and brother for the same reason. I am sad for Joe's friends and family because we all lost an important part of our lives.

I miss Joe's sense of humor, eye-rolling, smirk and tell-it-like-it-is attitude. I miss being able to call him and just talk to him. He was the brother I never had and my favorite pain in the ass. I miss him.

Yes, life goes on, but not in the way we planned. We plan, God laughs... but that doesn't mean we should stop planning. I look at how far we have all come in the year after that fateful day. My sister and nephew are my heroes. There are few people I've met any stronger.

My wish for them is that they continue healing, moving forward even when it feels they are going backwards and stay strong. We all love you. As for Joe, I will always remember the good times, fun and what a good person he really was to everyone who came across his path. So remember Joe by doing something good today and every day. That's how life goes on...

What does Christmas mean?

One person's act of negligence has had a huge, never ending effect on our family. Each day, the loss of my brother-in-law is felt. I am still in the anger phase of grief. I don't know how any of us are standing and functioning these days. After losing 3 people I loved, my Mom, nephew Jason and brother-in-law Joe in the last 6 years, I am still very angry. I honestly don't and won't ever understand why they are gone and the dregs of humanity still exist. If God takes the good ones, then he needs to change his thinking and take the garbage out instead. They are the ones that need "saved",  not the loved ones that we hold so dear.

The holidays are coming. We will not be truly celebrating them. I miss that. I miss the family dinners and time spent together. We are all too caught up in our own grief to do so. It is painful and difficult to be together as a family when there are only the 5 of us now. The 3 that are missing were glue. Now we drift about, like corks on the water, broken into pieces by their loss and absence.

Every day is a struggle. We will never get over their loss, but we only learn to live with it. We haven't learned to do that yet. Their loss echoes on in our daily lives, just about every moment of every day. Six years for my Mom, 4 years for Jason and only 5 months for Joe... it seems as though it was yesterday for them all. Recently it was made clear to me just why Joe's loss has hit me so hard. I didn't just lose a brother-in-law. I lost a brother, a friend, a teacher, a nemesis and a brother-in-law. I've known Joe the better part of my life. His sudden and violent loss has shaken me. Sometimes knowing too much is not a good thing. I'm learning to change the movie of Joe in my head from what I know, both real and imagined, about his accident to a happier version, like when he caught my carpet on fire in my kitchen when he was using a blow torch. Or when I called him about a dozen times when I was at Lowe's looking for the parts to rebuild my kitchen sink and he and my sister laughed at the fact that I carried the entire drain into the store to figure out what parts I needed, with no help from anyone at Lowe's I'll have you know...

The cliche' that life goes on really does bite. No kidding, life goes on. Living life without these very special people plain and simple SUCKS. Watching my sister and nephew struggle with Jason and Joe's losses sucks even more. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all go away. I wish there were easy answers, but there aren't. So we take the proverbial one day at a time and try our best to move forward. There won't be Christmas here this year... at least not in the traditional sense or how others think it should be celebrated. What there will be is honoring and remembering the loss of these loved ones and others we have lost in our lives as well. I'm okay with that. It doesn't matter if others are. Their opinions don't really matter. So don't ask what we got each other for Christmas. You will be disappointed with the answer... nothing. Our true gifts to each other are peace and healing and that is this year's true meaning of Christmas for us.

Jason

Joe and Joey

Me, Mom and Sue

Feathers

     Somehow, feathers keep randomly finding their way into my house.  Little fluffy feathers and long tapered ones. We don't have feathered pillows or down because I am allergic to them.  I'm really not really sure how or why they are getting in the house. Maybe they denote something like someone I loved that has past has visited and left me an angel wing feather. Maybe it means nothing, like the dogs are bringing them in on their coats. Whatever is it is, they are comforting in some way. For whatever reason the feathers are floating in, they make me smile to think that one of my angels has been there...

Friends...

As I have gotten older, I am more interested in the quality of friendship rather than the quantity. I have few close friends. I've learned that many people that you think are your friends, are not really friends at all. They could truly care less about you and your problems, but ACT like they do. I am a good person. I care about people that are in my life, much more so than many deserve. 

True friends are there for you no matter what. True friends make an effort to be in your life. True friends love you for who you really are, quirks and all. True friends know when to give you space and when to stay close. True friends don't need a reason to call, sometimes they just call to talk about nothing special. True friends have your best interest at heart and will tell you like it is, not what you want to hear. Most of all true friends are just that... True.

I am a true friend. If you earn my friendship, you will be in my heart forever. I will do everything in my power to be there for you no matter what. My true friends are my reason to smile...

A leaf in the water...

There have been very few reasons to smile here lately. Very few. Yes the sun rises and sets, as the days tick by one second at a time. This year has been very difficult. Very difficult. Quite honestly, I am ready for 2015. I know it won't make things better, but I don't have much fight left in me any longer. Being strong isn't my forte and I'm really tired.

Last Thursday, my brother-in-law Joe was killed in a motorcycle accident. It wasn't his fault. He had a helmet on, the headlight was on his beloved Harley Davidson and someone made a fatal mistake when they pulled their SUV in front of him off a side road. Joe did everything in his power to avoid the collision, but he hit the front of the SUV. He suffered a massive head injury when his helmet came off. It was one he would not, could not survive. We waited for word at home from my sister and nephew as Joe was flown to a Pittsburgh trauma center. I will never forget the 3 words that she sent me... "He's brain dead." The pain that went through my heart was immediate and severe. This couldn't be happening. They were leaving tomorrow to go to a wedding in Chicago. Their wedding anniversary is Tuesday. There are so many things left undone. So many plans and dreams to fulfill. It wasn't supposed to be like this.

My sister has endured more than her share of sorrow and pain. My nephew Jason passed away almost 4 years ago. It devastated the family. She truly has never recovered from that loss. Now, her husband and soul mate is gone. Life is cruel. This has been a shock to everyone. Joe was a great guy... We didn't deserve another hit like this. It isn't fair. It isn't right.

I am angry. Someone with a complete disregard for anyone else killed my full of life brother-in-law. I want that person to remember until his last breath what he has done. I want him to know the pain we are all in. I want him to be in that kind of pain too. I want him to never have a good night's sleep ever again. I want him to see and feel what his moment of carelessness cost all of us. I don't want him to ever have another moment of joy in his life again. I also know my anger is wasted. I know that Joe wouldn't want revenge, hate or anger. He was a "take life as it came" kind of guy.

My sister and Joe had love... lots of love. Although they didn't agree all the time, they always made it work. Just like other married couples, they had disagreements, but always figured it out. I know what love is. It is many things. It is Sue and Joe. They had been together since before high school. They were soul mates... completely and utterly meant for each other. I was honored and privileged to witness their love and devotion to each other over the years.

Joe touched many lives, like a leaf in the water, the ripple effect is wide. As a firefighter/EMT for 35 years, as a friend, nephew, cousin, brother-in-law, son-in-law, brother, son, father and husband, his loss is far reaching. I can only hope that there are more men like Joe... and I can only hope to be more like him. That is the reason to smile.

RIP Joseph Michael Muller... We will love and miss you forever.

Sandwich smile...

A random smile courtesy of my hubby!